Black Fucking Friday

So, today is the day. A day to rejoice in the glory of the short-sighted American consumer. Walmart, Target, Best Buy and thier ilk will reap windfall profits on this day as people can't seem to get enough disposable crap made in Chinese labor camps. Ooooo . . . a $25 DVD player, how will you ever survive without one of those? I'm sure it's good quality, didn't you notice that the box is red, white and blue.

Small businesses will fight for the sloppy seconds as the shopping public, dazed from their 5:00 a.m. wake-up call stumble around comparison shopping, struggling to check price tags through glassy eyes. With a little luck and the reassurance of regular customers, small business owners will make it through another holiday season, holding their head, soaking their feet, and struggling to come up with the energy to do it all over again next year.

To that end I give you:

Tim's Top Ten Things NEVER To Say To A Retailer:

- Have you been busy? How's your business doing?

- We just got back from three weeks vacation in Belize.

- You wouldn't understand, you don't have children.

- Are you hiring?

- Do you think that Walmart hurts your business?

- Do you carry _______? You should it's fabulous.

- I just bought this same thing at a store down the street.

- We just went to see _____ (name of a movie), have you seen it?

- You should: Eat better. Exercise. Relax. Read more. Take a vacation. Meditate. Do yoga

- Don't you ever get a weekend off?

- I saved, like, $4 by ordering it online.

- I love your store. I bought something there last year.

- How's business?

The proper response for all of these statements is a hearty "Fuck You".

Happy Holidays!

The game is a foot

This makes me very excited. It's kind of geeky I know but what can I say I love that guy.

Bird Flu

I couldn't resist (thanks Ron):

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird
flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical
treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on somebody's windshield

Eddie Izzard

Eddie seemed so smart when he was talking about the Pilgrams. It seems that apparently science isn't his bag. But no matter, he's still the funniest 6' 3" cross-dressing comedian since Uncle Milty.

Check him out in Dressed To Kill, Glorious, and Definite Article. His best works by far. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll want to wear women's undergarments.

Saturday in Retail Hell

Retailers, we are not alone here in Pergatory.

"The eagle never lost so much time, as when
he submitted to learn of the crow. " - William Blake

My Birthday . . . yada yada yada . . .

Another birthday comes and goes. After reaching middle-age and taking a survey of the scenery, I have to say that if I didn't have all these distractions I might actually enjoy being in my forties. Someday when all this passes I'll be sure to look back on these years and marvel at my resiliance.

Here's something weird, Kathy and I went to this winery back in 97 on vacation.

Sad but true.

My worst nightmare

This is the worst nightmare of every person whose ever worked in the restaurant business. When that scary dishwasher you smoked a joint with 20 years ago, gets out of prison and decides to look you up. It is a truly tragic story and a cautionary tale to those of us who've worked for years right at the edge of society, with people on their way up out of the gutter, and people entering the early stages of the downward spiral of drugs and violence. There are easily a dozen people that I've worked with in the past that would scare the crap out of me if I ran into them on the street. I've seen some pretty 'normal' guys lose their shit and end up in some serious trouble, the ones that were always on the edge back then are truly the most frightening.

edit: For those of you not from Vermont, Jay Peak is a ski resort.

Question of the day

C: Do you have soap that doesn't have any soap in it?

T: I'm sorry, soap without soap in it?

C: Yes, soap without any soap in it.

T: I have lots of soap, but I don't think that I have any that is soap-free.

C: That's a shame it's the only thing that I can use on my body. You should get some.

T: I'll have to look into that . . .

Halloween

Napolean Dynamite was the hands down favorite costume this year. It's a little weird thinking that ten year olds are into this movie. I've decided that I am offically getting old when I just don't get all the pop culture references in kids costumes. I used to be pretty good at these kinda things, but other then the occasional Darth Vader I'm in the dark. No great costumes this year which is a shame, but we did have record numbers of kids (well over 200) and a record amount of candy was purchased (and much of it eventually consummed) by yours truly.