Black Fucking Friday
So, today is the day. A day to rejoice in the glory of the short-sighted American consumer. Walmart, Target, Best Buy and thier ilk will reap windfall profits on this day as people can't seem to get enough disposable crap made in Chinese labor camps. Ooooo . . . a $25 DVD player, how will you ever survive without one of those? I'm sure it's good quality, didn't you notice that the box is red, white and blue.
Small businesses will fight for the sloppy seconds as the shopping public, dazed from their 5:00 a.m. wake-up call stumble around comparison shopping, struggling to check price tags through glassy eyes. With a little luck and the reassurance of regular customers, small business owners will make it through another holiday season, holding their head, soaking their feet, and struggling to come up with the energy to do it all over again next year.
To that end I give you:
Tim's Top Ten Things NEVER To Say To A Retailer:
- Have you been busy? How's your business doing?
- We just got back from three weeks vacation in Belize.
- You wouldn't understand, you don't have children.
- Are you hiring?
- Do you think that Walmart hurts your business?
- Do you carry _______? You should it's fabulous.
- I just bought this same thing at a store down the street.
- We just went to see _____ (name of a movie), have you seen it?
- You should: Eat better. Exercise. Relax. Read more. Take a vacation. Meditate. Do yoga
- Don't you ever get a weekend off?
- I saved, like, $4 by ordering it online.
- I love your store. I bought something there last year.
- How's business?
The proper response for all of these statements is a hearty "Fuck You".
Happy Holidays!
3 comments:
According to Kathy I sound a bit too bitter and harsh in this post. So, for the record I love my job. I love my customers. I love my country. So there.
Hey Man,
Just wanted to catch up to you (talk about myself) and tell you (crow) about how much we enjoyed our free (You think I'd pay for this?) vacation to Bali. You remember (think about me ceaselessly): we won it as a Walmart (Don't they just have everything!?) promotion. If it hadn't been for us price-shopping (if only you'd sell us everything at cost) in your store (it's so "cute" in there), we'd have never known about that line of cosmetics. (You make it so easy by doing all our research for us.) Luckily (Intentionally) we found the same thing online (without moving our fat asses out of our house) and that led us to that promotional deal (perk that travel companies only offer the big-box stores).
It was great (made us feel so important) to get to hang out with all of those Fortune 500 stockholders (professional gamblers). We looked for you, but I guess (never really thought about it) you couldn't get away from that second job of yours. (If only you had a hobby to keep you occupied, instead.)
You oughta try one of these trips some time. (I'm just so self-involved that I don't have time to get it.)
Anyway, I only stopped in long enough to see you (drive a red hot poker straight into your eye) because, well, I knew you'd care to know (find everything that I do simply riveting).
By the by, How's business?
Good Friend,
I just wanted to thank you as well for that thoughtful gift you sent me. I just don't know how I ever survived without a combination dvd/microwave oven/mp3 player. The fact that you were able to get it for 35 bucks at Walgreens on Friday was quite remarkable. I hope the 6 hour wait in the rain for the store's 5:00 a.m. opening time didn't dampen your holiday cheer. I didn't think you could top last year's gift, who would have thought that a electric drill could be purchased for under 20 dollars. Those folks at Walmart sure do know how to find the bargins.
Fortunately, when the motor caught fire in Feburary the conflagration was confined to my workshop. I'm sure the injured fireman has recovered use of that arm by now.
Anyway, cheers and happy holidays.
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