Best of the "Best of . . ."

Most "top ten albums of the year" lists are pretty boring. Andrew's is never boring and I always find at least one that becomes an instant favorite.

Happy Dumbass New Year!

Because we can't all be brain surgeons.

Everybody poops

O.k let me see if I can tell this story and do it justice.

Woman and small child enter.

Woman wanders the store "oooing and ahhing" about all the "pretty things"

Child stands five feet from the counter and adopts a stance that can only be described as "sumo-like". From the grimace on her face Alison and I quickly deduce that she is taking a dump in her diaper.

The mother, noticing her little shitter from across the room says . . .

and I quote . . .

"Are you pooping?"

"yeeeeesssssssss" comes the pained reply.

"Oh dear, don't push too hard you'll hurt yourself"

Woman turns away and resumes her browsing.

Child starts to look pained and for several agonizing minutes we are transfixed by her efforts.

Mother calls for child to "come and see the pretty things".

Child struggles to walk bow-legged across the store.

Mother attempts to pick up child...............

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

Mother puts down child.

More pooping ensues.

Mother finally picks up the now soiled and screaming toddler and walks out of the store, cooing "did my sweetie take a poop?"

"yeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssss"

Good thing we sell room sprays . . .

Retail Hell

I'm too tired to post a new retail horror story, so you're on your own.

Black Fucking Friday

So, today is the day. A day to rejoice in the glory of the short-sighted American consumer. Walmart, Target, Best Buy and thier ilk will reap windfall profits on this day as people can't seem to get enough disposable crap made in Chinese labor camps. Ooooo . . . a $25 DVD player, how will you ever survive without one of those? I'm sure it's good quality, didn't you notice that the box is red, white and blue.

Small businesses will fight for the sloppy seconds as the shopping public, dazed from their 5:00 a.m. wake-up call stumble around comparison shopping, struggling to check price tags through glassy eyes. With a little luck and the reassurance of regular customers, small business owners will make it through another holiday season, holding their head, soaking their feet, and struggling to come up with the energy to do it all over again next year.

To that end I give you:

Tim's Top Ten Things NEVER To Say To A Retailer:

- Have you been busy? How's your business doing?

- We just got back from three weeks vacation in Belize.

- You wouldn't understand, you don't have children.

- Are you hiring?

- Do you think that Walmart hurts your business?

- Do you carry _______? You should it's fabulous.

- I just bought this same thing at a store down the street.

- We just went to see _____ (name of a movie), have you seen it?

- You should: Eat better. Exercise. Relax. Read more. Take a vacation. Meditate. Do yoga

- Don't you ever get a weekend off?

- I saved, like, $4 by ordering it online.

- I love your store. I bought something there last year.

- How's business?

The proper response for all of these statements is a hearty "Fuck You".

Happy Holidays!

The game is a foot

This makes me very excited. It's kind of geeky I know but what can I say I love that guy.

Bird Flu

I couldn't resist (thanks Ron):

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird
flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical
treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on somebody's windshield

Eddie Izzard

Eddie seemed so smart when he was talking about the Pilgrams. It seems that apparently science isn't his bag. But no matter, he's still the funniest 6' 3" cross-dressing comedian since Uncle Milty.

Check him out in Dressed To Kill, Glorious, and Definite Article. His best works by far. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll want to wear women's undergarments.

Saturday in Retail Hell

Retailers, we are not alone here in Pergatory.

"The eagle never lost so much time, as when
he submitted to learn of the crow. " - William Blake

My Birthday . . . yada yada yada . . .

Another birthday comes and goes. After reaching middle-age and taking a survey of the scenery, I have to say that if I didn't have all these distractions I might actually enjoy being in my forties. Someday when all this passes I'll be sure to look back on these years and marvel at my resiliance.

Here's something weird, Kathy and I went to this winery back in 97 on vacation.

Sad but true.