Retail Hell

O.K. here it is boys and girls, your chance to tell your worst customer stories. Just hit 'comment' and vent your spleen. I know you have some whoppers to tell (especially you ladies at SLJ) so here's your chance to tell the world, or at least the dozens of people reading this thing . . .

Question of the day:

C: "My husband bought something for me here a couple of years ago, do you still have it?"

Me:" What was it?"

C: "I don't remember? But his brother bought one too, if that helps?"

Me:" Can you be a little more speciific?"

C:"Um . . . well . . . it was really nice . . ." *shrugs*

Enjoy yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not posting as much as I could because I picked up a stomach virus from one of the filthy bastards (oops, I mean customers) that feels like it came directly from the heart of the Amazon.

So, enjoy yourselves.

Tim

Kinda says it all, don't you think?

Vision without action is a daydream; action without vision is a nightmare -- Japanese proverb

Birthday

The best present I could recieve for my birthday would be, to not reminded of the election for an entire day.

People who share my birthday:

Albert Camus
Joni Mitchell
Billy Graham
Leo Trotsky
Dana Plato

Movie recomendations

Feel free to post any film recomendations in the comment section:

Here's some of my more recent favorites:

12 angry men

the mancurian candidate

high and low

and if you need a laugh:

eddie izzard's dressed to kill

Halloween, the numbers . . .

250+ trick or treaters
5 kids dressed as carrots, who replied "thanks a bunch" in unison after recieving their treats
11 spidermans
9 batmans
1 captain america
1 samurai (with geisha)
1 teenage couple dressed as bride and groom, the guy dressed as the bride, the girl as the groom (gotta love living in Vermont)
7 dr. suess characters
1 ghost of babe ruth

and,

25+ pieces of candy that went into our stomachs instead of the kids bags . . .

O.K. Times up . . .

I was really willing to enjoy the Red Sox victory up until lunchtime today. Then reality slowly crept in and it became just another day. Tommorow I'll wake up and remember who I am, and what being a Yankees fan means to me, and it'll be back to the same old, same old.

T.V. News

I rarely watch television news programs and whenever I catch a brief glimpse of one I am shocked at the obvious lack of intelligence displayed by these so-called "journalists". While the pundits must be forgiven for their ignorant blathering, it is really a shame to see what was once a noble calling (that of journalist) cast down to the lowest common demoninator. One doesn't have to look far to see the depths that they have sunk to. I suppose it was damn near inevitable that once corporations got involved and money became the driving force that journalistic integrity (remember that phrase?) would take a back seat. But, for crying out loud, the truly bizzare nature of cable and network news shows is just appalling. I can't imagine what life must be like for the people who watch this drivel and believe every word.

I've seen several shows that seem to buck the trend, the most notable being "Frontline" on PBS, and on occasion "Lou Dobbs" on CNN have shown glimpses of what journalism used to stand for; the investigation and exposure of facts, and an in-depth explaination of current events. But overall I am always left with a bad taste in my mouth whenever I watch more than ten minutes of any news program from FOX to ABC and back again. They are all guilty of pandering and worse still, setting aside hundreds of years of journalistic ethics in order to bring the opium to the masses.

We can only hope that over the next few years they see the error of their ways and rebel against the advertizing juggernaut that has been unleashed through television. Then, perhaps we might be able to sit down and watch the evening news without the fear that some coporate
puppetmaster, sitting in a boardroom on Madison Ave., is pulling the strings.

I am not going to hold my breath.

Bumper Stickers

I've seen two this week that I like:

"U.S. out of Vermont"

and

"Save a cow, eat a vegetarian" (made from a "Save a cow, eat vegetarian" sticker)

So Many Lawn Signs, So Little Time

What is up with all these lawn signs? In the past few days my neighborhood has sprouted hundreds of them. I'm feeling a little nervous that I don't know who any of these people are, and soon enough they will be representing me. The ones that say "re-elect ______" really freak me out because I haven't a clue who ______ is.

Since I'm feeling kinda left out I'm thinking of putting a blank sign on my lawn.

I guess soon enough they will come down and I'll forget all about them. I'll also forget the people whose names are on them. But I won't forget who had which sign, and then I will be forever judging them by their choice of lawn ornament. I wonder what that says about me?

"Mr./Mrs. Tourist" Redux

This is taken from conversations, or experiences, I have had in the store. Enjoy.

Originally posted Saturday, July 03, 2004

Dear Mr./ Mrs. Tourist,

Hi there, welcome to my small city, yes it is very cute, thank you. Yes, we do love living here very much. Yes, the people here are very nice. Oh, yes we love owning a store here in this slice of heaven. Yes of course you can use our bathroom. Oh yes, it is very funny that your child has just smeared a twenty dollar lip stick tester all over his face, of course you can use my bathroom to clean up junior. Perhaps you could use our bathroom to change your baby's diaper instead of the floor of my store. No, I'm afraid I can't dispose of that diaper for you.

The highway is just up this street, take a right, then your first left. No Walmart is not walking distance, unless you've got a six hours.

The best places to eat in town are Smokejacks and The Daily Planet. No, I'm afraid there is no "Applebee's" here, nope, there isn't a "TGIFridays" either. Yes, there is a Starbucks, but you'll have to pass five locally owned coffee shops to get there.

The "absolute best thing in the store" is that hand cream with shea butter. Right, it's twelve dollars. Yes, of course I understand that you wanted the best thing in the store to cost under five dollars. No, I'm afraid you can't break the safety seal on that product "just to smell it".

Sorry, no I can't make change. No, sorry I can't make change. Sorry, we can't make change for the parking meters. Hmmm, yes I am sure it's frustrating to have to find a place that will give you change for the meters. Yes, as a matter of fact I do get asked that all day long. Thank you for spending your valuable vacation time in my store, it's o.k. that you've just made an enormous mess, personally I love spending my entire day cleaning up after you. No, of course I don't mind at all that you've coated your entire body with a body oil and then proceeded to leave an oily fingerprint on everything in sight.

Of course, I don't mind it when your husband makes rude comments about my store and it's contents, and I'm sure he's not insinuating that I'm gay at all. Of course, you really intended to spend a whole bunch of money in my store but you need to save it up for your trip to Old Navy, I totally understand. The people who pay six dollars for a bar of soap aren't "idiots" at all, they just don't mind spending their money on a well made bar of soap instead of a Carmel Machiata from Starbucks or a single draft beer. Yes, you can in fact get everything in the store online, coincidently you can also buy it right here without having to pay shipping charges. No actually we are not a chain. Yes we are the original owners, no I'm afraid you're mistaken there was never "the owner before" us.

Of course Fido can come in. No we can't "watch" him while you have lunch at a restaurant down the street. Yes, actually you do have to clean up his poop on the sidewalk. I know how silly that sounds but it's the law.

As a matter of fact I am the owner, and I do in fact "know anything about these products". We have been here five years. Five years. Five years. Just over five years. Five years ago. A coffee shop was here before. No, there never was a store "just like this one" here before. We opened right after the coffee shop closed. No you didn't get that lotion here. Yes I'm sure. Yup positive. Right, of course, you're "100% percent sure" you bought it here two years ago, unfortunately we've never sold this product. I'm the owner that's how I can be so sure. Yes I am sorry that we don't carry that product, no I'm afraid we can't special order it for you, since we don't carry that product.

No I'm afraid I can't take a debit card for a two dollar lip balm. No, I'm sorry I can't give you cash back. No, I'm afraid we can't let you write a check if you live in Spain. I am afraid a three year old gift certificate made out to some other then yourself is definitely not valid. No, sorry I still can't make change for the meters. I'm sure the Body Shop has exactly what you're looking for. Oh, they sent you here. They are very nice people there.

I am sure that you have a very specific type of soap dish in mind, unfortunately we only have a few soap dishes. Oh yes that is very funny that we called the store Soapdish and we don't sell soap dishes. Yes, well, we sell what's inside of a soap dish. I'm sure the nice people at Old Navy would be glad to help you pick out a vintage ship. Or the gentlemen at Pottery Barn would be glad to show the pottery section of the barn. Or perhaps you'll find a nice piece of produce at Banana Republic.

Yes the spa is opening soon. The spa will be open soon. Yes, very soon. Very soon. Yes, you've been waiting a long time for the spa. Yes, of course it's still going to open. Yes very soon. Yes, the fucking spa is opening soon . . .