"Mr./Mrs. Tourist" Redux

This is taken from conversations, or experiences, I have had in the store. Enjoy.

Originally posted Saturday, July 03, 2004

Dear Mr./ Mrs. Tourist,

Hi there, welcome to my small city, yes it is very cute, thank you. Yes, we do love living here very much. Yes, the people here are very nice. Oh, yes we love owning a store here in this slice of heaven. Yes of course you can use our bathroom. Oh yes, it is very funny that your child has just smeared a twenty dollar lip stick tester all over his face, of course you can use my bathroom to clean up junior. Perhaps you could use our bathroom to change your baby's diaper instead of the floor of my store. No, I'm afraid I can't dispose of that diaper for you.

The highway is just up this street, take a right, then your first left. No Walmart is not walking distance, unless you've got a six hours.

The best places to eat in town are Smokejacks and The Daily Planet. No, I'm afraid there is no "Applebee's" here, nope, there isn't a "TGIFridays" either. Yes, there is a Starbucks, but you'll have to pass five locally owned coffee shops to get there.

The "absolute best thing in the store" is that hand cream with shea butter. Right, it's twelve dollars. Yes, of course I understand that you wanted the best thing in the store to cost under five dollars. No, I'm afraid you can't break the safety seal on that product "just to smell it".

Sorry, no I can't make change. No, sorry I can't make change. Sorry, we can't make change for the parking meters. Hmmm, yes I am sure it's frustrating to have to find a place that will give you change for the meters. Yes, as a matter of fact I do get asked that all day long. Thank you for spending your valuable vacation time in my store, it's o.k. that you've just made an enormous mess, personally I love spending my entire day cleaning up after you. No, of course I don't mind at all that you've coated your entire body with a body oil and then proceeded to leave an oily fingerprint on everything in sight.

Of course, I don't mind it when your husband makes rude comments about my store and it's contents, and I'm sure he's not insinuating that I'm gay at all. Of course, you really intended to spend a whole bunch of money in my store but you need to save it up for your trip to Old Navy, I totally understand. The people who pay six dollars for a bar of soap aren't "idiots" at all, they just don't mind spending their money on a well made bar of soap instead of a Carmel Machiata from Starbucks or a single draft beer. Yes, you can in fact get everything in the store online, coincidently you can also buy it right here without having to pay shipping charges. No actually we are not a chain. Yes we are the original owners, no I'm afraid you're mistaken there was never "the owner before" us.

Of course Fido can come in. No we can't "watch" him while you have lunch at a restaurant down the street. Yes, actually you do have to clean up his poop on the sidewalk. I know how silly that sounds but it's the law.

As a matter of fact I am the owner, and I do in fact "know anything about these products". We have been here five years. Five years. Five years. Just over five years. Five years ago. A coffee shop was here before. No, there never was a store "just like this one" here before. We opened right after the coffee shop closed. No you didn't get that lotion here. Yes I'm sure. Yup positive. Right, of course, you're "100% percent sure" you bought it here two years ago, unfortunately we've never sold this product. I'm the owner that's how I can be so sure. Yes I am sorry that we don't carry that product, no I'm afraid we can't special order it for you, since we don't carry that product.

No I'm afraid I can't take a debit card for a two dollar lip balm. No, I'm sorry I can't give you cash back. No, I'm afraid we can't let you write a check if you live in Spain. I am afraid a three year old gift certificate made out to some other then yourself is definitely not valid. No, sorry I still can't make change for the meters. I'm sure the Body Shop has exactly what you're looking for. Oh, they sent you here. They are very nice people there.

I am sure that you have a very specific type of soap dish in mind, unfortunately we only have a few soap dishes. Oh yes that is very funny that we called the store Soapdish and we don't sell soap dishes. Yes, well, we sell what's inside of a soap dish. I'm sure the nice people at Old Navy would be glad to help you pick out a vintage ship. Or the gentlemen at Pottery Barn would be glad to show the pottery section of the barn. Or perhaps you'll find a nice piece of produce at Banana Republic.

Yes the spa is opening soon. The spa will be open soon. Yes, very soon. Very soon. Yes, you've been waiting a long time for the spa. Yes, of course it's still going to open. Yes very soon. Yes, the fucking spa is opening soon . . .