Great Bargins!

I am really hoping to score one of those great old metal desks, you know the ones in the Restoration Hardware catalog that weigh a million pounds.

Nothing's Shocking

When I first heard "Mountain Song" used in a Coor's Lite beer commercial I was deeply disturbed. Can Bad Brains doing a McDonald's commercial be far behind?

Now there's this.

1610

That's as far back as my family history goes, recording the birth of Robert James Douglas in Scotland. No doubt he and my other ancestors feasted on this delicacy. Something this unusual (basically fish roasted until it's inedible) could only come from the people who brought you offal stuffed sheep's stomach.

This is the cookbook that I'm reading right now.

I guess it's just something in my genes.

The Best Blonde Joke Ever . . .

A great many people on the internet say this is the greatest blonde joke ever. A GREAT many people.

Best of the "Best of . . ."

Most "top ten albums of the year" lists are pretty boring. Andrew's is never boring and I always find at least one that becomes an instant favorite.

Happy Dumbass New Year!

Because we can't all be brain surgeons.

Everybody poops

O.k let me see if I can tell this story and do it justice.

Woman and small child enter.

Woman wanders the store "oooing and ahhing" about all the "pretty things"

Child stands five feet from the counter and adopts a stance that can only be described as "sumo-like". From the grimace on her face Alison and I quickly deduce that she is taking a dump in her diaper.

The mother, noticing her little shitter from across the room says . . .

and I quote . . .

"Are you pooping?"

"yeeeeesssssssss" comes the pained reply.

"Oh dear, don't push too hard you'll hurt yourself"

Woman turns away and resumes her browsing.

Child starts to look pained and for several agonizing minutes we are transfixed by her efforts.

Mother calls for child to "come and see the pretty things".

Child struggles to walk bow-legged across the store.

Mother attempts to pick up child...............

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

Mother puts down child.

More pooping ensues.

Mother finally picks up the now soiled and screaming toddler and walks out of the store, cooing "did my sweetie take a poop?"

"yeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssss"

Good thing we sell room sprays . . .

Retail Hell

I'm too tired to post a new retail horror story, so you're on your own.

Black Fucking Friday

So, today is the day. A day to rejoice in the glory of the short-sighted American consumer. Walmart, Target, Best Buy and thier ilk will reap windfall profits on this day as people can't seem to get enough disposable crap made in Chinese labor camps. Ooooo . . . a $25 DVD player, how will you ever survive without one of those? I'm sure it's good quality, didn't you notice that the box is red, white and blue.

Small businesses will fight for the sloppy seconds as the shopping public, dazed from their 5:00 a.m. wake-up call stumble around comparison shopping, struggling to check price tags through glassy eyes. With a little luck and the reassurance of regular customers, small business owners will make it through another holiday season, holding their head, soaking their feet, and struggling to come up with the energy to do it all over again next year.

To that end I give you:

Tim's Top Ten Things NEVER To Say To A Retailer:

- Have you been busy? How's your business doing?

- We just got back from three weeks vacation in Belize.

- You wouldn't understand, you don't have children.

- Are you hiring?

- Do you think that Walmart hurts your business?

- Do you carry _______? You should it's fabulous.

- I just bought this same thing at a store down the street.

- We just went to see _____ (name of a movie), have you seen it?

- You should: Eat better. Exercise. Relax. Read more. Take a vacation. Meditate. Do yoga

- Don't you ever get a weekend off?

- I saved, like, $4 by ordering it online.

- I love your store. I bought something there last year.

- How's business?

The proper response for all of these statements is a hearty "Fuck You".

Happy Holidays!

The game is a foot

This makes me very excited. It's kind of geeky I know but what can I say I love that guy.